Thursday, December 28, 2023

Yet the Roses Still Bloom...


“If life transcends death

Then I will seek for you there

If not, then there too”

― James S.A. Corey

Winter roses in the local tiny botanical garden

Hello, Bloggie Frens. I have missed you.

Life trundles on, not always on the path we wanted or made, but it goes on, if we're lucky.

After a very bad almost two years, my husband passed away August 14th. It was needless. Even at 88, he still had years left, I felt. But in some parts of the country, it is very, very hard to get adequate care. And it is easy to get very bad care. We do not have good doctors, or facilities. Our city turned out not to have a single surgeon capable of doing an amputation. There weren't enough nurses to open the floors of the hospital, so weeks were spent in the hallways of the ERs. And the giant border city near us -- the same. When people talk about the "hair raising up" on the back of their necks when danger appears -- it literally can happen. It happened every time I went into a hospital that looked like some kind of war zone, to a trashed out ward. It's been like living in a third-world country. We border Juarez here; I cannot describe the alien landscape properly. It's been awful. And then he died.

I can't really go into it, other than to say it was a bad end and I am still in shock. I always had sympathy for the widowed; but until you live it -- and I hope you don't have to, through some miracle -- you don't realize how awful it truly is. I am rudderless; my anchor is gone. 

"Put one foot in front of the other..." and "Keep on keepin' on." My mantras for hard times. I have a job I liked, and I still go in and robotically do what I'm supposed to do. I feed the pets, I throw the ball, I pull the feather on a string. I pay the bills -- late, because I am still confused and in shock. It is, in the words of another author, "The land of beginning again." I don't like this land.

During the past almost two years, I wanted to post, to follow along with my fellow Bloggers. We are a dying breed. Every time I would prep a post, each time I went to a blog to read, my husband's health would take a dramatic turn. It happened again and again, until I was afraid to go online at all. I know it wasn't actually connected, but I got so spooked. I was so afraid, and I was grasping at straws of what is "lucky" and what might be "unlucky." 

That's bad, I know it. That's the opposite of faith, but my faith took a big dent. It's like seeing someone I loved dying by inches zoomed out my thought about the Universe. Sometimes when driving to the hospital I would yell out to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?" 

The earth looked smaller and smaller in my mind, and disappeared, and it felt more cold and alone than I can properly express. The WWII veterans passing, the knowledge of that time, the old folks who lived through the Depression, those of the Vietnamese War -- somehow this has gotten mixed up with my personal grief. The passing of older generations, the new culture seeming so strange to me -- It's all mixed.

I just hold a hope that you are all still okay, all still there, all still treading this earth. All safe.

For 2024, that's my wish, bloggie frens. A safe and good year ahead for each of you. My wizened heart and my hermit's soul still have love for those I have met along the way, so, love to you.

The Olde Dame



  1. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I have thought about you often and wondered how you were doing. I grew up in the city and state where you are living and I have been appalled at the changes I've seen when I have visited. It is not the same place it was when I was young. Praying for you!

  2. Holly, I am so sorry to hear that your husband passed away. You're right about the new cultures and generations. I sometimes don't relate to them myself, they are so different in many ways. God is always there, listening to us, and He will comfort us and guide us when we call out to Him. This I know for sure.

    I do hope the new year is a good one for you and me. I had some health issues the past couple months, and finally feeling a little better. Will see the family soon and into the new year. Say a prayer for safe travels please and thank you. It's kind of scary for me to travel, ugh. I'm so glad to see a post from you. Your blog was always a delight, and visiting with you was always a pleasant time for me.

    Happy New Year.


  3. My condolences for losing your husband. Grief is a process. Sometimes it can be dealt with faster than others. Only you can feel your own sorrow. None of us want you to hurt so we might say a wrong thing but we mean well.

  4. Holly, your sad loss grieves me, and all of us. I was so happy to see you back, and so stunned to read of your tragic loss. You are right, though: one foot in front of the other. May the new year be better for all of us.

  5. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. I am so glad you decided to keep posting this is a very kind place to be.

  6. My dear Holly...I have no words. I just replied to your comment and came to check up on post and here you are...with this tragic news. My heart hurts for you in a way that I cannot even begin to tell you. I shared with you that I lost my husband recently...what I didn't share was that it was in a horrendous way, and something I am not capable of talking about yet. So your words touch me in a way that ran shock waves through me. While the circumstances were obviously different, the feelings that you describe are uncannily familiar. Hugs to you...I am a message away should you ever feel the need. It seems we have more in common than just our hermitage. ~Robin~

  7. And love to you, Holly. It broke my heart to read your post. There are no words to make it better, just know that blog friends are the most caring friends you can find. We are only a comment or email away.
    Take good care and please come back soon.
    Big hugs ~

  8. I'm so happy to see that you posted today 💗💜💙💚💛.
    I've missed you; thought about you often and hope you were okay. I'm so sorry about your husband. Now you have the difficult task of remaking your life, without him.
    I've had a lot of trouble posting comments on certain blogs. I hope yours will not be one of those.
    All the very best in the New Year, Granny Marigold

  9. I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I can't imagine what you are going through as your husband was your anchor.

    I lost my daughter in 2016 and it was a real shock. So unexpected. Loosing someone we love is the hardest thing because, we can't do anything to bring them back. We feel like the breath has been knocked out of us.

    I'm so glad that you posted today to share your grief. Your blogger friends are there for you. You are stronger than you think and you'll get through this. One day at a time.

    Hugs, and prayers. 🙏🏼

  10. I am so very sorry for your loss and to find out why you have been missing such a long time. I had no idea of the suffering your were going through. You are right, blogging is dropping more every day. I am down to about 15 to 17 comments a day and making about that or a little more on others. most of my dear long time bloggers are no longer blogging. of the 40 wonderful friends a few years ago, i amd down to 6 from 2009. I hope your new year will bring peace to your heart and allow you to post when you want to.

  11. I'm sorry about your husband. I know health care is in trouble all over the country, I had no idea it was so bad where you live.
    Your absence from the blog has been missed. Your readers are still here, patiently waiting and hoping you'd be back to posting some day.

  12. Your absence from the blog has been missed. Your readers are still here, patiently waiting and hoping you'd be back to posting some day.

  13. Sorry for the loss of your husband. I was thinking of you last week and wondered what happened to you. Nice to see your back and I wish you a nice new year and a good health.

  14. I am so sorry to hear your precious husband passed away and I will keep you in my prayers. I know how hard it can be and you never really get over it. Try to take care of yourself my friend. Sweet hugs, Diane

  15. Hi there so so sorry for your loss. My prayers go with you and i truly thank you for your beautiful blog, I am going to add to follow now so i can keep up with your journey, your saying resonated with me 'keep on keeping on' Hugs June x


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